What does let’s still be friends really mean?
I have recently experienced a breakup, and I couldn’t have chosen a worse time for it. I’ve had just about all of the family problems you could ask for, at once. I’m still dealing with the death of one of my grandfathers form a few months ago. My other grandfather’s is pending for any day this week. My aunt has heart problems. And, as I mentioned, I’m dealing with a breakup.
Situations such as these can lead you to a state of super vulnerability. You desperately want to cling to something comfortable. So who do you go to? Well, your ex, of course. (S)he knows how to hold you, (s)he smells good, and most obvious: (s)he’s there.
You crave that hug. You pray for that slight chance of a kiss to come through, to give you something so you no longer have to think about that other stuff. You want to fill that hole with the person you know can do that for you.
Going back to your ex is the hardest thing to avoid. I have had four serious relationships and I have hooked up with my ex in all four instances. It’s almost been therapy for me, for better or worse. It allows a steady easing out to a relationship, as sudden change is not something I deal with very well.
It’s a hard thing to do; it’s a hard thing not to do. Almost certainly, somebody is going to get hurt every time. It could lead to a realized mistake and it could lead to a new one. Is it worth it? Sometimes, it is.
Cougar
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I received this e-mail from an avid "Straight and Gay of It" reader a few days ago.
Dear Vixen:
About a year ago, I met this wonderful girl. At the time, she was dating someone, who I knew was bad for her. The relationship was extremely unhealthy, and I wasn't the only one who noticed it. Time and time again, I was the one she would run to-the one she would call and cry to when things weren't going well. In that time period, she broke up with this girl and got back together with her about six or seven times. Most of the time I was supportive of whatever decision she made, although sometimes I got extremely frustrated. At about the third or fourth break up, I changed my approach, and started giving her tough love. I told her that her decision making wasn't great, and if somebody made her feel like sh*t, then she needed to gravitate away from it. Well this time, it looks like she did.
As our friendship has become stronger and stronger, so have my feelings. But my feelings are no longer just plain and simple friendship. I've oftentimes wondered about kissing her or taking her out on a date. Some people have told me to "take chances" and "go for it," but I stay very cautious about it. I am afraid that if I approach her about taking her out on a date or something, that I could possible ruin this great friendship.
What do you think I should do?
Carrie, Boulder Springs Colorado
Dear Carrie:
I think we are told in life many times to "take chances" or "you'll never know unless you give it a try." But I tend to agree with you on your take on the situation. Sometimes it is necessary to let nature take its course-nature meaning love and relationships in this case. If you two have developed this really great friendship, where you can go to her for anything, and she feels comfortable telling you of her relationship ups and downs, that is a bond that is hard to break, and hard to find again. It sounds like you guys are best friends.
But there is nothing more that challenges the friendship bond more than the switch to a relationship. This is not an easy transition, and from what I have both experienced and seen, it could possible lead to the end of a great friendship. I think the question you have to ask yourself is this: Is your desire to be in an intimate relationship with your best friend more important than your friendship itself?
---Vixen
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Sunday, January 20, 2008
The Straight and Gay of It: Gaydar...Lesbian or Straight?
Just what is gaydar and who has it anyway?
I know I don’t. Long before I could ever even have the chance to become one of those guys who drools over girl-on-girl action, I was turned off from it for good. It started when I dated a circle of three best friends, all of whom preferred to date girls, but made an exception for me. I finally broke free of them, only to date a girl who told me that she thought girls tasted better than guys.
My gaydar sucks just as much for guys. And as I think of what I’m about to write, I don’t know how I missed it. But when you’re in the moment, it’s a lot tougher to see things clearly. A casual friend of mine, coincidentally best friends with one of the girls in the previously mentioned circle, asked me if I wanted to go to the mall with him. On the way, we listened to Destiny’s Child. When we got there, I realized he getting the clasp on a gold necklace fixed. Then he asked if he could take me out to dinner at a Chinese place. And finally, he asked me if I liked guys and told me he thought I should try it because he thought I would like it. I’ve had a number of gay friends in my life and honestly, it has made no difference to me whatsoever in comparison with straight friends. But when it came to that moment, I was sucking down water like I had just been in the desert.
I also have broken backwards gaydar. I am often shocked at the number of people who assume I am gay with the first few weeks of knowing me. I wear Hawaiian shirts a lot of the time, I’m a little OCD when it comes to cleanliness and order, and I love Natalie Merchant and the Cranberries, as well as lighting candles at all times. And there are few things I love more than watching stars.
In the end, I have to conclude that my gaydar is busted. I have to get to know a person for more than a few days, before deciding to date her; I learned that the hard way. And I have to also conclude that gaydar is an inaccurate science and everybody else’s probably malfunctions, as well. Although, Hawaiian shirts, organized, Natalie Merchant, candles, and stars? Let’s face it; I’m a lesbian.
--Cougar
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's an innate art form. It's one of those blessings....or it could be considered a curse. Is gaydar real? If you are gay, do you necessarily have it? In a world where the lesbian crowd is such a mix of femme, butch, etc., how can you tell who is gay, and who isn't?
Don't ask me, I have no idea. Ok, maybe I do...but I certainly haven't mastered the art.
Here's one of the latest scenarios.
One of my really good friends and I decided to grab a quick bite to eat at the local diner. He knows that I'm gay, although we very rarely talk about it. Every now and again he will say "you know, I think you are a great person no matter what." Isn't that special.
Our waitress walked over and I was taken by her smile. She had these cute blonde curls in her hair, and just seemed to glow. Of course, I got nervous. Now I didn't stumble over my order, but I know that my face became red. That's a given.
Each time she would come over to us, I started making small talk-saying something about how well-behaved the kids at the table next to us were, crack a joke about the weekend, or something quirky she did while getting us our silverware. I consistently made her smile when she came over.
Then my friend started to notice something. He gave me that devilish eye.
"What are you thinking?" He said to me slyly with a distinct tone in his voice. "Why am I even asking, I know what you are thinking."
I smiled and looked down into my plate.
"You like her don't you? You don't even know her name! How do you know she is gay?" he said.
"It's simple, I don't know. Yes, you are right; I do think she is cute. She has a great personality - she's very much a people person. I like outgoing people like that."
"But you also think she is cute."
"Hell yeah" I answered him with a smile.
But then it occurred to me. I get all stirred up, try and find my confidence...and then I don't know whether a girl is gay or not. Because I made her laugh so much, made her smile-does that mean she'd like to go out for coffee with me?
How do you guys knows if a girl is a lesbian or not? What are the tactics?
Friday, January 11, 2008
The Straight and Gay of It: Match.com, MySpace, and the online STD
After leaving the humongous pool of dating options (aka. college) and not being the type of guy who can go to the bar and fight for a girl’s attention like a reporter in a pack of journalists at a crime scene, I was left with one option if I wanted to date: the Internet. I didn’t want to do it at first. In fact, it took me months to finally join Match.com and get over the thought that I was pathetic for having to fall back on this method.
When I finally did cave and join, I didn’t have the best of luck. I got in touch with three girls over the course of two months. Two of them initiated contact with me and the other was one of about 25 girls I e-mailed. I quickly learned, though, that there is nothing wrong with online dating. In fact, in the world today, people are more comfortable communicating online than in person. Perhaps we even get to know a person better by meeting him or her online first.
One thing to be careful of, though, is getting a true background check. With the girls I’d been with, I made sure I knew everything about them. I knew it was impossible for them to be carrying any diseases. With the girl I initiated contact with on Match.com, I got caught up in the moment and just figured I was wearing protection and would be fine. It was only one time, but imagine my surprise when, eight months later and half a year into a relationship with another girl, I found out I had contracted molluscum contagiosum. Fortunately, that stuff clears up like chicken pox and you have a strong chance of never getting it again, but I learned that being careful most of the time is not enough of the time.
In addition to STDs, you could still be in for other surprises when utilizing online dating. It sounds a little stalkerish, but it’s really not a bad idea to cross-check your potentials. If you have a person’s full name, or the person has a unique enough first name, use MySpace or Facebook. You’ll be surprised how glamorous someone can look in one self-uploaded picture on Match.com as opposed to 100 photos tagged by friends. You’re in for fewer surprises with a person’ interests and perhaps even personality when it comes to the Internet, but if looks are important to you, do your homework.
--Cougar
-----------------------------------------
In my lifetime, I have been on some pretty horrible dates. Grant you, I haven't been around THAT long, but long enough to tell an incredible date from an absolutely ridiculous one.
Here's a ridiculous one.
I tried Match.com on the three-day free trial that they offer, and it seemed like there were some women there with great potential...at least on their profiles.
I melt for proper grammar. Yes, indeed I do. If a woman can use a semi-colon correctly, she can hop into my bed at any time! Seriously, I'm not joking here. So when I found a profile that was extremely well written, I sent off an e-mail.
Now she didn't have a picture posted, which isn't the worst thing in the world. I don't necessarily look at it as a bad thing. No matter what the world tries to make people in the gay community feel, being gay/lesbian is not overly accepted...especially in the workplace. Putting your picture out there saying "Hey, I'm gay, I'm single, LOOK AT ME!!" isn't the easiest thing to do in the world. It's also not the most comfortable for people.
Back to the date.
After a few e-mails back and forth, we decided to meet up at the local mall. Online dating tip number one: Always meet at a public place.
She certainly wasn't my type at all, but you never know unless you try.
We walked around the mall for a little while, and I wasn't really sure that we connected at all. She was more of a Hot Topic/Spencer's shopper, where I'm more of a Macy's or Nordstrom's shopper. But I've been told opposites attract...umm...not so much.
After about 35 minutes of mall-walking torture, I suddenly felt swayed to go to the diner with this girl. I didn't think that the mall had really given us the best opportunity to talk, and I was determined to get more than one sentence out of her.
At the diner, we ordered some food, and sat and had some totally non-meaningful conversation. I wondered how someone who had such an eloquently written profile could be so "blah" in person. It just didn't seem right to me.
But then here was the kicker...this is how I absolutely knew we weren't compatible.
When our order came to the table, she had something that contained mashed potatoes. As I properly got my napkin in place and slowly began to eat my dinner...I noticed she was playing with her food. Not only did she stick her fork in the mashed potatoes and make it stand up, but she used everything, salt, pepper, jelly on the table, syrup...you name it, she made some concoction out of her mashed potatoes. To top it off, she put her straw in it.
I didn't know I was in kindergarten doing arts and crafts projects. I'm surprised she didn't eat the glue! (Well, maybe she did...)
Thanks, Match.com!
--Vixen
When I finally did cave and join, I didn’t have the best of luck. I got in touch with three girls over the course of two months. Two of them initiated contact with me and the other was one of about 25 girls I e-mailed. I quickly learned, though, that there is nothing wrong with online dating. In fact, in the world today, people are more comfortable communicating online than in person. Perhaps we even get to know a person better by meeting him or her online first.
One thing to be careful of, though, is getting a true background check. With the girls I’d been with, I made sure I knew everything about them. I knew it was impossible for them to be carrying any diseases. With the girl I initiated contact with on Match.com, I got caught up in the moment and just figured I was wearing protection and would be fine. It was only one time, but imagine my surprise when, eight months later and half a year into a relationship with another girl, I found out I had contracted molluscum contagiosum. Fortunately, that stuff clears up like chicken pox and you have a strong chance of never getting it again, but I learned that being careful most of the time is not enough of the time.
In addition to STDs, you could still be in for other surprises when utilizing online dating. It sounds a little stalkerish, but it’s really not a bad idea to cross-check your potentials. If you have a person’s full name, or the person has a unique enough first name, use MySpace or Facebook. You’ll be surprised how glamorous someone can look in one self-uploaded picture on Match.com as opposed to 100 photos tagged by friends. You’re in for fewer surprises with a person’ interests and perhaps even personality when it comes to the Internet, but if looks are important to you, do your homework.
--Cougar
-----------------------------------------
In my lifetime, I have been on some pretty horrible dates. Grant you, I haven't been around THAT long, but long enough to tell an incredible date from an absolutely ridiculous one.
Here's a ridiculous one.
I tried Match.com on the three-day free trial that they offer, and it seemed like there were some women there with great potential...at least on their profiles.
I melt for proper grammar. Yes, indeed I do. If a woman can use a semi-colon correctly, she can hop into my bed at any time! Seriously, I'm not joking here. So when I found a profile that was extremely well written, I sent off an e-mail.
Now she didn't have a picture posted, which isn't the worst thing in the world. I don't necessarily look at it as a bad thing. No matter what the world tries to make people in the gay community feel, being gay/lesbian is not overly accepted...especially in the workplace. Putting your picture out there saying "Hey, I'm gay, I'm single, LOOK AT ME!!" isn't the easiest thing to do in the world. It's also not the most comfortable for people.
Back to the date.
After a few e-mails back and forth, we decided to meet up at the local mall. Online dating tip number one: Always meet at a public place.
She certainly wasn't my type at all, but you never know unless you try.
We walked around the mall for a little while, and I wasn't really sure that we connected at all. She was more of a Hot Topic/Spencer's shopper, where I'm more of a Macy's or Nordstrom's shopper. But I've been told opposites attract...umm...not so much.
After about 35 minutes of mall-walking torture, I suddenly felt swayed to go to the diner with this girl. I didn't think that the mall had really given us the best opportunity to talk, and I was determined to get more than one sentence out of her.
At the diner, we ordered some food, and sat and had some totally non-meaningful conversation. I wondered how someone who had such an eloquently written profile could be so "blah" in person. It just didn't seem right to me.
But then here was the kicker...this is how I absolutely knew we weren't compatible.
When our order came to the table, she had something that contained mashed potatoes. As I properly got my napkin in place and slowly began to eat my dinner...I noticed she was playing with her food. Not only did she stick her fork in the mashed potatoes and make it stand up, but she used everything, salt, pepper, jelly on the table, syrup...you name it, she made some concoction out of her mashed potatoes. To top it off, she put her straw in it.
I didn't know I was in kindergarten doing arts and crafts projects. I'm surprised she didn't eat the glue! (Well, maybe she did...)
Thanks, Match.com!
--Vixen
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Can't Buy Me Love: Perspectives, MySpace and girls...
Picture this. For no special reason, you buy your girlfriend flowers. $16. A little later, also for no specific occasion, you take her out to a dinner at that really nice place she’s wanted to try $100. Afterward, she wants to see a movie, so you take her to one. $20. And then on the way back, without any sign allowing you to prepare, her evil side takes over and she yells at you quite simply just for being alive. Priceless? How about, I want my money back.
Due to the loss of a close friend in high school, I’ve always been big on putting things into perspective. Perspective was something that I desperately wanted my girlfriend of seven months to learn. But when I don’t see her cry when she loses her grandmother, and I see the happiness of our entire weekend trip to Lake George in jeopardy because she spilled her coffee at a bathroom rest stop, I have to conclude our priorities were quite different.
I spent the second half of that relationship trying to decide between my head and my heart. My head knew I could not deal with these outbursts. She was a sweet girl half of the time, but the other half left her in a state that was nothing short of emotionally abusive toward me, calling me words that I would never even dream about using toward anybody, let alone the girl I love. My heart, however, was still drawn to her. She still had that look in her eyes, that smell in her hair, and that feeling that when you cuddle up together, you fit like pieces in a puzzle.
The more I listened, the louder my head got. But why would my head want me to be so unhappy? Why did it keep telling me there was no future here? I listened harder and harder, and finally I realized that my head and heart are a lot more connected than I had thought. The reason it hurt so much every time she took her anger out on me was because I cared for her so much. My heart craved her almost all the time, but for the other times, it was repeatedly hurt and let down.
You fit together. You feel so right. But sooner or later you have to realize that is one messed up puzzle.
--Cougar
-------
Did anyone here notice that there is just a web of lesbians on MySpace?
If you are anybody who wants to meet anyone, then you need to kick it into gear and get a profile put up. As soon as you click the "lesbian" box in the vital content, you are bound to get about 100 friend requests!
Ok, so maybe you won't get 100, but there are many lesbian vultures in YOUR area looking to date. Some of them might be crazy, some of them might not be, and it's up to YOU to play the game!
It's weird; I thought for the longest time that every lesbian in my area knew each other. No matter how much you tried to avoid it, you got someone's sloppy seconds. What is amazing is that when someone goes out to the local "Ladies Night" at the gay bar, you can recognize faces.
You can stick with your friends in a little corner of the dance floor and say "Hey, yeah, I saw that girl's profile; she was wearing a chicken suit in her profile picture." My favorite is "Yeah, her default pic has her smoking weed on the front porch with a group of her friends."
Now this might not be all that true. Let's say you live in...oh New York City. I don't think it would be as easy to pick out everyone you see on MySpace from the different burroughs. But if you live in East Bumblef*ck, U.S.A., you might be able to recognize a few.
Sure, I have a page, and yes, I do find myself checking it every day. From time to time I also find myself in "Browse" mode, sifting through hundreds of profiles of lesbian women, or the sometimes "misguided" bisexual women. As my lesbian momma once told me, the "misguided" bisexuals are the ones you definitely need to watch out for. They are the ones that not only want their cake, they want to eat it too...and drag you into the mess sometimes.
Have I met anyone off of MySpace? No, I haven't yet. Part of me wants to, but the other part of me wants to stay cautious. It's good to message with people, but the chance of meeting them? Even though it so similar to Match.com, there still feels like there is something different about it.
So what is the etiquette when it comes to dating someone from MySpace? Do you know any lesbian couples who have had a successful relationship that started via the networking site? Got a story? I'd love to hear it. You can either comment or e-mail me via the link below my name. Questions are great too. I love getting your feedback.
---The Vixen
Due to the loss of a close friend in high school, I’ve always been big on putting things into perspective. Perspective was something that I desperately wanted my girlfriend of seven months to learn. But when I don’t see her cry when she loses her grandmother, and I see the happiness of our entire weekend trip to Lake George in jeopardy because she spilled her coffee at a bathroom rest stop, I have to conclude our priorities were quite different.
I spent the second half of that relationship trying to decide between my head and my heart. My head knew I could not deal with these outbursts. She was a sweet girl half of the time, but the other half left her in a state that was nothing short of emotionally abusive toward me, calling me words that I would never even dream about using toward anybody, let alone the girl I love. My heart, however, was still drawn to her. She still had that look in her eyes, that smell in her hair, and that feeling that when you cuddle up together, you fit like pieces in a puzzle.
The more I listened, the louder my head got. But why would my head want me to be so unhappy? Why did it keep telling me there was no future here? I listened harder and harder, and finally I realized that my head and heart are a lot more connected than I had thought. The reason it hurt so much every time she took her anger out on me was because I cared for her so much. My heart craved her almost all the time, but for the other times, it was repeatedly hurt and let down.
You fit together. You feel so right. But sooner or later you have to realize that is one messed up puzzle.
--Cougar
-------
Did anyone here notice that there is just a web of lesbians on MySpace?
If you are anybody who wants to meet anyone, then you need to kick it into gear and get a profile put up. As soon as you click the "lesbian" box in the vital content, you are bound to get about 100 friend requests!
Ok, so maybe you won't get 100, but there are many lesbian vultures in YOUR area looking to date. Some of them might be crazy, some of them might not be, and it's up to YOU to play the game!
It's weird; I thought for the longest time that every lesbian in my area knew each other. No matter how much you tried to avoid it, you got someone's sloppy seconds. What is amazing is that when someone goes out to the local "Ladies Night" at the gay bar, you can recognize faces.
You can stick with your friends in a little corner of the dance floor and say "Hey, yeah, I saw that girl's profile; she was wearing a chicken suit in her profile picture." My favorite is "Yeah, her default pic has her smoking weed on the front porch with a group of her friends."
Now this might not be all that true. Let's say you live in...oh New York City. I don't think it would be as easy to pick out everyone you see on MySpace from the different burroughs. But if you live in East Bumblef*ck, U.S.A., you might be able to recognize a few.
Sure, I have a page, and yes, I do find myself checking it every day. From time to time I also find myself in "Browse" mode, sifting through hundreds of profiles of lesbian women, or the sometimes "misguided" bisexual women. As my lesbian momma once told me, the "misguided" bisexuals are the ones you definitely need to watch out for. They are the ones that not only want their cake, they want to eat it too...and drag you into the mess sometimes.
Have I met anyone off of MySpace? No, I haven't yet. Part of me wants to, but the other part of me wants to stay cautious. It's good to message with people, but the chance of meeting them? Even though it so similar to Match.com, there still feels like there is something different about it.
So what is the etiquette when it comes to dating someone from MySpace? Do you know any lesbian couples who have had a successful relationship that started via the networking site? Got a story? I'd love to hear it. You can either comment or e-mail me via the link below my name. Questions are great too. I love getting your feedback.
---The Vixen
Sunday, January 6, 2008
The Straight and Gay of it: Allow myself to Introduce Myself
In this blog, Cougar and Vixen, two twenty-something city-dwellers attempt to tackle the dating world. From past to present experiences, Cougar, a straight male, and Vixen, a lesbian, allow readers to delve into the dating world...the Straight and Gay of it. Below, find an introduction to both writers.
Everyone develops a reputation for being a dater. I didn’t have the best one in high school. Since I dated around, without immediately asking people to be my girlfriend right off the bat, I was seen as a player. Even worse, I became infamous for picking the wrong girls, as five of them turned out to prefer girls to guys. Though perhaps the best – and worst – compliment I ever received was, “I usually like girls, but I really like you.”
By college, I had abandoned my high school philosophy and I moved on to the opposite method, eventually earning the tag “Serial Monogamer.” I had loved having a girlfriend since my first, and I was hooked.
A year of being single (not by choice) after moving to a new city after graduation helped me realize the truth being the cliché of getting the chance to know myself. I now actually know what I’m looking for in a girl, but of course my heart always seems to get in the way.
-Cougar
For a long time I thought I wanted to be a nun. Then I realized that what I really wanted to be was a lesbian.-- Mabel Maney
I think in high school, I was the girl everyone else knew was something … but I didn’t. I held the hand of my boyfriend in high school and walked around the hallways like I knew what the hell I was doing … but I didn’t.
Then I looked at myself in the mirror at the beginning of college and realized something: I was gay.
Maybe I should have known sooner … maybe I did and was just denying it. I mean, come on now … I was captain of the softball team, wore sweatpants and baseball caps the majority of the time and of course — always wore sensible shoes.
After being in a couple of long term relationships, one being for almost three years, I am single and sometimes loving it. But in my struggles to better myself, I also struggle to find what I want in a partner. Being 20-something and a single lesbian, don’t you think I’d be some kind of hot commodity?Or maybe I just haven’t played the lesbian stock market well enough yet. Here’s a chance to come along with what really goes on behind the lesbian stock market, with no insider trading worries.
The Vixen
By college, I had abandoned my high school philosophy and I moved on to the opposite method, eventually earning the tag “Serial Monogamer.” I had loved having a girlfriend since my first, and I was hooked.
A year of being single (not by choice) after moving to a new city after graduation helped me realize the truth being the cliché of getting the chance to know myself. I now actually know what I’m looking for in a girl, but of course my heart always seems to get in the way.
-Cougar
For a long time I thought I wanted to be a nun. Then I realized that what I really wanted to be was a lesbian.-- Mabel Maney
I think in high school, I was the girl everyone else knew was something … but I didn’t. I held the hand of my boyfriend in high school and walked around the hallways like I knew what the hell I was doing … but I didn’t.
Then I looked at myself in the mirror at the beginning of college and realized something: I was gay.
Maybe I should have known sooner … maybe I did and was just denying it. I mean, come on now … I was captain of the softball team, wore sweatpants and baseball caps the majority of the time and of course — always wore sensible shoes.
After being in a couple of long term relationships, one being for almost three years, I am single and sometimes loving it. But in my struggles to better myself, I also struggle to find what I want in a partner. Being 20-something and a single lesbian, don’t you think I’d be some kind of hot commodity?Or maybe I just haven’t played the lesbian stock market well enough yet. Here’s a chance to come along with what really goes on behind the lesbian stock market, with no insider trading worries.
The Vixen
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